Steven Wright
United States
Born on 6 Dec 1955
Comedian
Born on 6 Dec 1955
Comedian
Quotes
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I got a garage door opener.
It can't close.
Just open.
It can't close.
Just open.
Why are there five syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?
If you can't hear me,
it's because I'm in parentheses.
it's because I'm in parentheses.
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
You can't have everything. . . .
Where would you put it?
Where would you put it?
I got food poisoning today.
I don't know when I'll use it.
I don't know when I'll use it.
I've never seen electricity,
that's why I don't pay for it.
that's why I don't pay for it.
I like to torture my plants by watering them with ice cubes.
It's a small world,
but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
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On Anger: "For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind."
Essays
Essays
On Destiny: "Our destiny exercises its influence over us even when, as yet, we have not learned its nature: it is our future that lays down the law of our today."
Human, All Too Human
Human, All Too Human
On Friendship: "A crowd is not company; and faces are but a gallery of pictures; and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love."
Essays
Essays