Steven Wright
United States
Born on 6 Dec 1955
Comedian
Born on 6 Dec 1955
Comedian
Quotes
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I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks,
so I called Information.
She said, 'Hello, Information.'
I said, 'I can't find my socks.'
She said, 'They're behind the couch.'
And they were!
so I called Information.
She said, 'Hello, Information.'
I said, 'I can't find my socks.'
She said, 'They're behind the couch.'
And they were!
Today, I dialed a wrong number.
The other side said, 'Hello?'
and I said, 'Hello, could I speak to Joey?'
They said, 'Uh, I don't think so . . . He's only two months old.'
I said, 'I'll wait'
The other side said, 'Hello?'
and I said, 'Hello, could I speak to Joey?'
They said, 'Uh, I don't think so . . . He's only two months old.'
I said, 'I'll wait'
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany.
She said, 'Cut it out'
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany.
She said, 'Cut it out'
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board.
You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
I love to go shopping.
I love to freak out salespeople.
They ask me if they can help me, and I say,
'Have you got anything I'd like?'
Then they ask me what size I need, and I say,
'Extra medium.'
I love to freak out salespeople.
They ask me if they can help me, and I say,
'Have you got anything I'd like?'
Then they ask me what size I need, and I say,
'Extra medium.'
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it
[moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly],
and says, 'Here, you can go'
Now when I get pulled over, the cop looks at it
[moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly],
and says, 'Here, you can go'
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. . . .
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head.
If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head.
If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
The power in my apartment went out the other night.
I had to use the flash on my camera to find my way around.
I took twenty seven pictures of my kitchen while I was making a sandwich.
The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
I had to use the flash on my camera to find my way around.
I took twenty seven pictures of my kitchen while I was making a sandwich.
The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . .
He said, 'Stephen, why haven't you called me?'
I said, 'I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it.'
He said, 'How long have you had it?'
I said, 'I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.'
He said, 'Stephen, why haven't you called me?'
I said, 'I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it.'
He said, 'How long have you had it?'
I said, 'I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it.'
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?'
I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator.
When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine.
The whole car just takes right off.
And see this thing? This steers it.'
I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator.
When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine.
The whole car just takes right off.
And see this thing? This steers it.'
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On Anger: "For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind."
Essays
Essays
On Destiny: "Our destiny exercises its influence over us even when, as yet, we have not learned its nature: it is our future that lays down the law of our today."
Human, All Too Human
Human, All Too Human
On Friendship: "A crowd is not company; and faces are but a gallery of pictures; and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love."
Essays
Essays