Steven Wright
United States
Born on 6 Dec 1955
Comedian
Born on 6 Dec 1955
Comedian
Quotes
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My friend Winnie is a procrastinator.
He didn't get his birth mark 'til he was eight years old.
He didn't get his birth mark 'til he was eight years old.
I put a new engine in my car, but I forgot to take the old one out. . . .
Now I can go 300 mph.
Now I can go 300 mph.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather.
It moved to Alaska.
Now Santa Claus is missing.
It moved to Alaska.
Now Santa Claus is missing.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
I think I've forgotten this before.
I think I've forgotten this before.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it,
do the other trees make fun of it?
do the other trees make fun of it?
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights.
Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Now it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms
from all the statues in the other museums.
from all the statues in the other museums.
I was in the first submarine.
Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.
'We're surrounded.'
Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope.
'We're surrounded.'
I took lessons in bicycle riding.
But I could only afford half of them.
Now I can ride a unicycle.
But I could only afford half of them.
Now I can ride a unicycle.
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
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On Anger: "For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind."
Essays
Essays
On Destiny: "Our destiny exercises its influence over us even when, as yet, we have not learned its nature: it is our future that lays down the law of our today."
Human, All Too Human
Human, All Too Human
On Friendship: "A crowd is not company; and faces are but a gallery of pictures; and talk but a tinkling cymbal, where there is no love."
Essays
Essays